Danni and Jeremy's Wedding Speech

 As requested, here is the speech that was given for Danni-Lynn Laidlaw and Jeremy Strang's wedding last month.

[Party 1] was Danni-Lynn
[Party 2] was Jeremy
[Member of Audience] was Calen, Danni's brother.

Regular text represents my own additions
Italic text is taken verbatim from the Government of British Columbia's standard ceremony,
of which the bold italic parts are immutable and cannot be changed.
Anything in underline is spoken by one of the two parties being married.

The standard ceremony can be found at http://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/residents/vital-statistics/marriages/vsa718.pdf

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Majestic Ladies, Handsome Gentlemen, and [Member of Audience].

We have assembled here to acknowledge a force that ruthlessly devoured billions before and will no doubt continue to consume live in their prime until the sky crumbles.

This remorseless and unceasing force is called love. These two, though their forms appear before you, are hopelessly lost -- beyond mourning , really.

Today we witness the passing of [Party 1] and [Party 2] into the penultumate stage of their falling to this force. The true word for this stage makes all who hear it cry blood and vomit leeches. Thankfully I lack the four tongues required to pronounce it. However, even the English word has terrified lesser men before. That word is "marriage".

The state of matrimony, as understood by us, is a state ennobled and enriched by a long and honourable tradition of devotion, set in the basis of the law of the land, assuring each participant an equality before the law, and supporting the common right of each party to the marriage.

There is assumed to be a desire for life-long companionship, and a generous sharing of the help and comfort that a couple ought to have from each other, through whatever circimstances of sickness or health, joy or sorrow, proserity or adversity, the lives of these parties may experience.

Marriage is therefore not to be entered upon thoughtlessly or irresponsibly, but with a due and serious understanding and appreciation of the ends for which it is undertaken, and of the material, intellectual, and emotional factors which will govern its fullfillment.

It is by its nature a state of giving rather than taking, of offering rather than receiving, for marriage requires the giving of one's self to support the marriage and the marriage and the home in which it may flourish.

It is into this high and serious state that these two persons desire to unite.

Therefore: 

I charge and require of you both in the presence of these witnesses, that if either of you know of any legal impediment to this marriage, you do now reveal the same.

Let [Party 1] repeat after me:

"I solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, [Person 1] may not be joined in matrimony to [Person 2]."

Let [Party 2] repeat after me:

"I solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, [Person 2] may not be joined in matrimony to [Person 1]."
  There having been no reason given why this couple may not be married, nor any reasonless jibbering that could be interpreted as such, I ask you to give answer to these questions.

Do you [Party 1] undertake to afford to [Party 2] the love of your person, the comfort of your companionship,m and the patience of your understanding, to respect the dignity of their person, their own inalienable personal rights, and to recognize the right of counsel and the consultation upon all matters relating to the present, future, and alternate realities of the household established by this marriage?

(A prompt of  'do you, or do you not' may help here)

[Party 1]: I do. 


Do you [Party 2] undertake to afford to [Party 1] the love of your person, the comfort of your companionship,m and the patience of your understanding, to respect the dignity of their person, their own inalienable personal rights, and to recognize the right of counsel and the consultation upon all matters relating to the present, future, and alternate realities of the household established by this marriage?

(Again, a prompt of  'do you, or do you not' may help here. Especially because doing it twice makes it sound planned)

[Party 2]: I do. 

 Let the couple join their right hands, claws, tentacles, feelers, probosci, or pseudopods, and let [Party 1] repeat after me.

I call on those present to witness that I, [Party 1], take [Party 2] to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse), to have and hold, from this day forward, in madness and in health, in whatever circumstances life may hold for us.

and let [Party 1] repeat after me.

I call on those present to witness that I, [Party 1], take [Party 2] to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse), to have and hold, from this day forward, in madness and in health, in whatever circumstances life may hold for us.
  Inasmuch as you have made this declaration of your vows concerning one another, and have set these rings before me, I ask that now these rings be used and regarded as a seal and a confirmation and acceptance of the vows you have made.

Let [Party 1] place the ring on the third noodly appendage of [Party 2]'s left hand, repeat after me:

With this ring, as the token and pledge of the vow and covenant of my word, I call upon those persons present, and those unpersons lurking among us beyond mortal sight, that I, [Party 1], do take thee [Party 2], to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse)

 Let [Party 2] say after me:

In receiving this ring, being the token and pledge of the covenant of your word, I call upon those persons present to witness that I [Party 2] do take thee [Party 1] to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse).


Let [Party 2] place the ring on the third noodly appendage of [Party 1]'s left hand, repeat after me:

With this ring, as the token and pledge of the vow and covenant of my word, I call upon those persons present, and those unpersons lurking among us beyond mortal sight, that I, [Party 2], do take thee [Party 1], to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse)

 Let [Party 1] say after me:

In receiving this ring, being the token and pledge of the covenant of your word, I call upon those persons present to witness that I [Party 1] do take thee [Party 2] to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband/spouse).


And now, forasmuch as you [Party 1] and [Party 2] have consented to legal wedlock, and have declared your solemn intention in this company, before these witnesses, and in my presence, and have exchanged these rings as the pledge of your vows to each other, now upon the authority vested in me by the province of British Columbia, I pronounce you as duly married.

You may kiss.